woahhhh... sandra has a blogggg

I hate her. Because she reminds me of me.

2005-12-02T18:19:00.000-08:00

Hello. My name is Lady Ashley.
But you can call me Brett.

I am vain
yet insecure.
I am envious
yet compassionate.
And the ultimate crisis of my life is a fear of being alone.
So I surround myself with anyone who remotely pretends to care.

Time passes and I realize that no one really cares; this isn’t love.
And I run back to him. My refuge.
Because I know no matter who I run to, he will always be there for me to run back to.
My Jake.

I can’t honestly tell you he truly loves me
Neither do I truly love him.
But
I can say that I love knowing that he’s here to stay.
It brings me comfort to know that if all else goes wrong I still have my backup plan;
My Jake.

And I know it’s cruel.
But my once idealistic view of love has been so shattered
and I am more than contempt with what I am doing.
There are no Landon Carters or Noah Calhouns in this world. But there is
My Jake.

And it may be that I am lowering my standards.
And it may be that I am becoming tainted.
It will only be for a little while, though.
Until I find another sugar-coated-sour soul.

And I taste the sugar and say, “Wow. Nothing can ever be better.”
But eventually the sugar wears off
and everything is sour again.
Then once again I run and run and run until I find
My Jake.

All this
because of an overwhelming fear of loneliness.
And I know the right, wise, and moral thing to do.
I just don’t want to.
Yet it seems that my plan to get rid of loneliness has only made me more alone.
But I have become obsessed with having someone constantly there even if it is nothing but a fictitious act.

And so I run
From one person to another and another and another
Then back to Jake.
But it isn’t about him anymore.

No one understands; and no one cares.
And no one ever will.
So I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere
Forever.
With only me, and my fantastical desire to be loved.

I sincerely apologize for what I have done, am doing, and will do to you.
I realize my soul is sick and deeply inflicted.
But whatever you do, don’t ever leave.
Because I need you to take part in my plan
My plan of envy, deceit, and pretend.
So please don’t go.
I need my backup plan.

have FAITH in me

2005-11-01T16:23:00.000-08:00

Faith
It's the one thing I dont have and I will probably never have.
Yet every single day I tell people to have faith in others, God, and themselves.
And i dont have faith in anyone, God, or myself.
I'm very hypocritical, yes.
But everytime I do trust someone I end up getting hurt, so why should i have faith?
"God has to put you through trials because that's how you learn and that's how you get closer to Him and He will never put you through more than you can handle." But he did. And I got closer to Him, but then when all of life collapses and there are more trials than you can physically handle and you start physically breaking down, having faith in God seems so trivial. It seems the closer I get to God, the harder everything in life seems to become. So i think why put myself through all this pain... everyone is living without God, or they manipulate God to fit their own lives, so why cant i just do the same?

So today in Bible we did spiritual gifts and faith was classified as a spiritual gift. And in my head i'm like "great its a spiritual gift... and God gives everyone different spiritual gifts. i guess he didnt give me the gift of faith." and i gave myself an excuse to be faithless.

Have faith....
it seems so fantastical... like a dream you know you can never achieve but u dream it anyways just cuz it feels good to have an aspiration in life, even if it doesnt correspond with reality.
well i wish upon a shooting star that someday i may have a glimpse into what it feels like to truly believe in God, to truly sacrifice all to him. because right now, im just not there. and no matter how hard i try there's something pulling me back. What is it? fear. Fear of what? i dont know. everything. Fear of everything. My life is symbolized by fear.

"Why dont you want to go to university Sandra?"
"Because I'm afraid I'll fail."

"Why dont you open up to people and share your innermost thoughts?"
"Because I'm afraid no one will understand."

"Why...
"BECAUSE I AM AFRAID OF EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING"

and i will try to fix you...

2005-08-22T19:04:00.000-07:00

when you try your best but you dont succeed
when you get what you want but not what you need
when you feel so tired but you cant sleep
stuck in reverse
and the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you cant replace
when you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you...

and high up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
but if you never try you'll never know
just what you're worth

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you...

tears stream down your face when you lose something you cannot replace
tears stream down your face and i...
tears stream down your face i promise you i will learn from my mistakes
tears stream down your face and i...

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you...

can anyone else fully relate with this song or is it just me?

what is wrong with me?

2005-06-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

in a nutshell... heres my life:

i lost my 2 best friends because im closed minded and because im a christian i think im better than everyone else... all because i wont have sex.
but at the same time i miss them so much, because i NEED someone there for me... i need a shoulder to cry on... and theyre the only 2 people ive ever opened up to.
i dont want to open up to anyone because i dont want to get hurt. ive opened up to many people who have just tore my heart and buried it.
i hate certain people because they tell me how their friend hasnt talked to them for that day and thats the biggest problem in their lives.
i hate because im jealous that the biggest problem in my life is not just getting the silent treatment from my friend, but everything and everyone going against me.
i dont pray i dont read the bible i dont really care about God up until something goes wrong in my life and i have no one else to turn to.
when i do pray it just becomes redundant... i dont feel close to God. theres nothing there i feel like im just speaking to a wall.
im doubting the one relationship that i never thought i would ever have to doubt. i feel like somethings wrong, and my feelings are always right.
he and everyone else are making sex seem like nothing big anymore... why save it till ur married who really cares? and even when people do tell me i should save it their actions contradict their stupid words
i dont want to get married because no guy in his right mind will accept me after all the crap that ive done
im getting bull from people because i try to teach people whats right... but i get bull like im just brainwashed.
i think this whole diet losing weight thing is going overboard... but i dont care if im buliemic or anorexic.
my dad is the biggest... i can honestly say i truly hate him.
if i had a gun right now id shoot about 12 people then myself
i just wanna let all this anger out somehow but i dunno how.
i want someone to talk to but at the same time i dont wanna make myself vulnerable to any living being.
if this is growing up then i dont wanna do it. if this is life then i dont wanna live it. if this is Christianity then i wanna be Buddhist... at least they have a purpose in life

sweet 16... its been anything BUT sweet

2005-05-28T20:42:00.000-07:00

i have so many unanswered questions.
that quote.. melody said it... "the bigger the island of knowledge the larger the shoreline of mystery"
i dunno if thats exactly how it went but... u get the point.
nothing makes sense anymore
wow i hate growing up!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i need someoneeeeeeeee i dunno whooooo but this sux!

i think its just impossible

2005-05-12T18:49:00.000-07:00

wow... im actually keepthing this thing up to date. im proud of meeee
soo okay. today when u guys did worship at lunch. i was like... i dunno. im soo inspired by u guys to be such a good Christian. but when i actually try.... holy crap its sooo hard!!!
HOW DO U GUYS DO IT!!!!
u kno. sometimes i feel like i wasnt meant to go to Heaven and so God's making it extra hard for me to make sure i give up. and sometimes i really wanna give up.
by the way when i say sometimes i mean ALL THE TIME!!!
i dunno... life sux.
why is it that life is so easy for those who dont follow God but so hard for those who want to and do follow him?
shouldnt it be the other way around?
but it isnt. and it sux. a lot.

this is JOKESSSSS

2005-05-11T15:44:00.000-07:00

I ACTUALLY HAVE A BLOGGGGG.... WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!
as in josh is gonna kill meeee... sry joshiee i was bored
besides... EVERYONE has one!! and when i say everyone i mean EVERRRRRYONE
and i felt left out...
and here i am.
WOW I CANT BELIEVE I HAVE A BLOG!!